Harry Poofter Hookers Edition
by Boomhide
Summary: Harry's next year at Sprogwarts will certainly be an interesting one this year. As Harry, Ashleigh and Ron along side with a newly changed Professor Snape, they manage to save the school of Sprogwarts once more from a terrible terrible catastrophe.


Written By Ashleigh, Diana and Jayde

The baby madly scrambled around on the floor squirming. It began to scream, and cry loudly. This brand new baby stood up and walked over to the hot cauldron. It tripped on a piece of corn and banged its head on the cauldron. Harry and Ashleigh woke up, startled. The heat from the cauldron did not kill them, but made them feel all warm and tingly. In fact, they managed to get some much-needed sleep if you know what I mean. They finally woke up from their "sleep" and turned to the crying child. Ashleigh realised that it was a boy, and at that moment Ron and Hermione walked in and saw the naked Harry Poofter and Son. Ashleigh picked up the baby, and then it began to bite her. She didn't realise at the time that her son was evil.

"Ouch, fucking little shit!" yelled Ashleigh.

"Maybe he's hungry?" said Harry.

Ashleigh wrapped the baby in a piece of foil and gave him to Hermione. She took the child with a big smile.

"What should we name him?" Ashleigh turned to Harry and asked.

"Malfoy?" replied Harry.

"Malfoy? Why would we…" Then Ashleigh turned around and looked at the child.

"I guess it is pretty ugly, and evil considering it just killed Hermione and is raping her eye socket." Exclaimed Ashleigh.

"Malfoy it is then" Clapped Ron.

Ron picked up Malfoy and brought him to Ashleigh who was trying to help Harry put on his clothes.

"Thanks Ron" said Ashleigh.

"God Ron, do you have to look in while I'm trying to get dressed?" yelled Harry.

"Sorry Harry, you are my best friend…remember the time we touched each other's…."

"Shut the fuck up Ron you stupid retard, I'm not gay anymore" screamed Harry.

"Yeah well I'm still a horny twat looking for a one night stand, and I really really like you," said Ron

"Weren't you with Hermione anyway?" asked Ashleigh

Ron looked hurt, and began doing the puppy dog eyes. He then walked over to Hermione's corpse, ripped a hole in her stomach and pulled out her giblets. He climbed into her body.

"Look I'm Hermione and I heart Ron" said Ron in a high-pitched girl voice.

"Ron we need to get back to Bogwarts – I mean Sprogwarts. We start tomorrow." Said Harry.

"We still need to pack" said Ashleigh.

Ron walked out of the house with his head hung low, and began to cry. Harry closed the door after him.

He walked to his flying car, and climbed into the front driver's seat to find Hermione.

"Hermione! But…. you're dead?" exclaimed Ron  
"I know, but I came to warn you of the dangerous things that will happen to you if you go back to Sprogwarts, and not just you, everyone!"

"Oh no! What is it!" shouted Ron

"I have to leave now, but remember….why the fuck are you wearing my body?"

"Its a lot more comfortable than you think" said Ron

"You're a messed up motherfucker.. anyway remember to stay away from Sprogwarts – or go there, I don't really care" Hermione said as she began to vanish into thin air.

"What do I need to fix? What the fuck is she talking about! What a fat fucking mole."

Ron climbed out of the car, still in the Hermione jumpsuit and ran back up towards the house.

He opened the door, to find that Malfoy had massacred the dog. Ashleigh came out of the bedroom.

"Hey Ron/Hermione, what's wrong?"

She picked up Malfoy and walked back into the bedroom. Ron began explaining.

"Hermione came to me an… Harry, why are you sticking your wand up your ass?"

"I couldn't fit it in my suitcase, and plus if I leave somewhere else it wont be safe, so I guess my ass is the only safe place." Explained Harry.

"Oh… Ok, maybe I could…."

"Did you have something to tell us?" Harry interrupted.

"Well, Hermione was waiting for me in my car and she said that…"

"Sorry Ron, Fucking hell Malfoy. Stop fucking everything you see god damn you!" Shouted Ashleigh

"Anyway, as I was saying, Hermione was in my car when I got in and she said that something was going to happen, something bad"

"What is it?" asked Harry

"Fucking hell you retard, I'm trying to tell you but you dumb shits keep interrupting me! Anyway, she said that dangerous things would happen, to everyone if we go back to Sprogwarts. I have no idea how to fix this, I need your help me?" said Ron

"Sure we'll help Ron, don't worry" said Ashleigh

"But first we should finish packing, because we'll miss the train, if we have to pack tomorrow." Said Harry.

"You can stay with us tonight Ron" said Ashleigh.

"Thanks, but can I sleep in the same bed as Harry?" asked Ron

"What the fuck, I told you I'm not gay any.."  
"Oh let him sleep with you Harry and stop being such a whore!" yelled Ashleigh

"Fine. We'll sleep head to toe. But you better not fucking touch anything you shouldn't Ron" said Harry.

"Oh…I won't…much" said Ron.

Harry and Ron climbed into bed and began to fall asleep. Ashleigh took Malfoy and put him in a laundry basket to sleep. The next day came. Harry packed Malfoy into his suitcase and walked outside, throwing the trunks into the back of the car. Ashleigh climbed into the back seat and Harry and Ron were in the front. Ron was driving, and went to change the gear but he accidentally pulled something that definitely wasn't the gearstick.

"Ron!" shouted Harry

"Sorry Harry, you know how I feel about you, all the nights we spent together on that desert island… remember when we had to keep each other warm by rubbing each other all over?"

"Yes I remember Ron, but I'm straight now, I'm not the one who's been on Queer Eye For The Straight Guy. You always wanted to be Carson! I remember you said you wanted to do the dirty deeds with him" Harry said while putting his thing back into his pants.

Ashleigh leaned over to change the radio station because there was absolutely shit music on. She pushed the button to change the station, Harry accidentally bumped into Ashleigh and made her fall onto Ron. Ron turned the wheel sharply, causing the car to spin. The car then caught on fire, and the front of it began to smoke. Ron steered wildly and managed to get the car safely onto the ground without causing too much damage.

"Harry, Ashleigh – you guy's all right?" asked Ron

"Yeah, we're both fine" said Harry

"Blimey, that was a bloody close one" Ron said looking at Harry.

"Is the car ok?" asked Ashleigh

"We better check" said Harry

They climbed out of the car, and peered inside the bonnet. There was black smoke coming from the engine.

" I reckon it's buggered" said Ron

"Well.. we aren't too far from the train station, we could probably walk there and make it in time to get the Sprogwarts Express." Explained Harry.

"We better start walking then" said Ashleigh

The three of them began to walk with their luggage close behind them. Malfoy was still locked in the luggage.

"Harry, could I get a ride on your back?" asked Ron

"Uhm, maybe when we get a little bit closer to the train station ok?" replied Harry

"Ok darling" said Ron

"We're almost there!" said Ashleigh skipping along the edge of the road.

"Can't we just fly there? We are wizards after all" said Ron

"No Ron, we can't, we're not allowed to use magic outside Sprogwarts" replied Harry annoyed.

"Damn you Harry, I'm flying! Ashleigh, are you going to join me?" said Ron preparing to fly off

"Uhm.. No Ron, we aren't allowed," said Ashleigh.

"Fuck you both then, if you drink and get the train, you're a bloody idiot!" screamed Ron

"At least we will wipe off five and not wipe out lives!" replied Harry. Ron snickered.

"See you on the Sprogwarts Express then" he shouted as he took off on his voombroom. Harry and Ashleigh were left standing there, alone with three large heavy trunks.

"Ron you fuckwit, you left your trunk! Fucking retard!" screamed Harry

"We'll just leave his trunk here then" said Ashleigh

They finally made it to platform sixty-nine, to find the Sprogwarts express almost about to leave. They gave their trunks to the man loading the carriage with the luggage and jumped on the train. They began to search for an empty cabin to sit in, but couldn't find any. The only one they could find that had space left was with nevil and dean. They greeted Neville and Dean and sat down. They began to feel tired from the trip and fell asleep. Harry awoke to find Neville raping Dean, and then fell back asleep. They had finally made it to Sprogwarts. Harry, Ashleigh, Neville, Dean and Ron all got off the train to be greeted by Hagrid who gave them all a big hug.

"I missed you Harry, I really missed you" said Hagrid

"What the fuck, is everyone turning gay or something? What the hell is going on here? I'm not gay.. I know I'm not gay.. am I?" said Harry

"Yes, Yes you are gay, but get over it and quit your bitching" said Ashleigh.

They all walked down to the boats, where they then had to travel a little bit further to get to the castle.

Once on the boats, Ashleigh let Malfoy out of the luggage case.

"Stop biting me you fucking little shit!" Shouted Ashleigh.

She then threw Malfoy into the lake and began rubbing her boob. Harry sat beside Ashleigh, moving away from Ron. Ron looked very disappointed. They made it to the front gates and walked into the main entrance. They were sitting down at the Gryffindor table when Professor Snape walked past and then said "Harry, my office, now!".

Harry rolled his eyes and followed. Snape closed the door behind Harry.

"I've been waiting all summer for you"

Snape came closer to Harry and put his leg up on his desk.

"What the fuck is wrong with everyone? I'm not fucking gay!" yelled Harry.

Harry suddenly realised a broken bottle on Snape's desk. He explored the broken bottle and picked up the label. It read "Gay" on it.

"Maybe this is what Ron was talking about…" whispered Harry

"What was that my Harry cute Poofter?" said Snape rubbing his leg against Harry

"You have very nice hairy legs!" Snape said

"Thanks! I got this moisturiser that makes them all nice and supple.. wait, no stop being gay.. I'm not gay.. You're not gay either, I saw you kissing Dumbledore.. oh wait.." said Harry

"I did nothing of the sort! He kissed me!" Snape said confused.

"Whatever, I need to go. Can I take this with me?" said Harry picking up the broken bottle pieces.

"Sure, as long as you take me with you" said Snape in a sly, sexy voice, then he winked at Harry.

Harry looked disgusted. He took all the broken pieces and shoved them into his pocket and bolted for the door. He ran towards the Gryffindor common room where he thought Ashleigh might be.

"Ass pie" Harry shouted running up the stairs

The fat ladies door swung open to reveal the Gryffindor common room. He ran up to his dorm to his trunk. He grabbed his potions book "Potions For Poofters" and began to rip through the pages searching for a spell containing a "Gay" potion. He found what the "Gay" was used for and why everyone was acting so faggy.

"I should start looking for an antidote" Harry mumbled to himself

"Uhm.. I need to make a potion.. oh hey this ones funny.. to turn your best friend from gay to straight.. Ron needs some of that… hmm to turn everyone straight again I will need some breast milk, mucus, two egg whites and some salt and pepper for taste.. sounds easy enough" said Harry

He slammed the book shut and ran down the spiral staircase to the Gryffindor common room. Jayde was standing in front of the fire.

"Hey Jayde, do you have your period?" asked Harry. Jayde shook her head.

"Well what's that dripping down your leg? Its not tomato sauce!" said Harry

"Alright, you got me." Said Jayde

"Can I have some of the goobers?" asked Harry

"Knock yourself out" Jayde said opening her legs. Harry caught some of the goobers in a coffee cup that was sitting on a table.

"I still need breast milk" said Harry looking at his chest.

"Well, what else do I need..". He opened the book and read the next ingredient.

He read "This potion will take several months to brew as the straight needs to be developed and the gay evaporated"

"Fuck! This will take forever! I could be ass raped a million times before this potion gets finished!" He closed the book and began to wonder where Ashleigh was. He walked down the marble staircase and into the Great Hall. Ashleigh was running around all the long tables being chased by girls.

"Get the fuck away from me! Ahh Harry, Help!" screamed Ashleigh.

"Lesbianos!"

"How many times do I have to use this spell on fucking Sprogwarts?" Harry said.

Harry grabbed Ashleigh's boob and started milking it.

"What the fuck are you doing?" she yelled.

"Hold still, I need to pump your milk for my potion" said Harry

"What's this potion for?" asked Ashleigh

Harry told her the story about everyone being gay, and she agreed to help Harry find the rest of the ingredients to make the potion. They ran into the kitchen. Harry took salt and pepper shakers that were sitting on a nearby table and then went to the big ass fridge for eggs. Just as they were about to open it, Dobby ran in front of the door.

"Master! What are you doing here? It's not safe…" and he trailed off knowing he had revealed too much information. He started bashing his head against the fridge.

"Dobby you fugly elf, stop abusing your head and tell me what the fucks going on." Said Harry.

"No sir, I cannot…"

"Tell me or I'll rob you of your virginity" threatened Ashleigh.

"Yes, sir…" he wailed. "Master poofter-head…the Lord Wan… he who must not be named has returned. This time with the most evilest, gayest plan, sir.. he has derived a plan to turn everyone in Snogwarts gay, so eventually, sir, they will all screw each other and contract aids and then die from the wretched disease"

"Oh no! We must put a stop to this Ashleigh" said Harry

He turned around to face Ashleigh but she was busy having a gang bang with Winky the house elf and Mr.Filches cat.

"Damn, Lesbianos!" yelled Harry pointing his wand at them.

The problem with the "Lesbianos" spell is that it only lasts for an hour or so. They had to use a permanent cure, the potion. They ran up to the staircase and to the Gryffindor common room.

"Ass pie" Ashleigh said running up the stairs.

The fat lady's painting swung open. The whole room was empty.

"Oh shit! I forgot the eggs!" screamed Harry

"It's ok, I was using a few with Winky and the cat" said Ashleigh holding out 3 brown eggs that smelt of fish. Harry took the eggs and put them into his pocket.

"Now, pubes…" said Harry reaching down into his pants. Nothing. Harry looked at Ashleigh.

"Don't look at me, I've got nothing, Maybe Dumbledore will give us some" said Ashleigh.

They ran toward Dumbledores office. Dumbledore had changed his entrance; it now was a giant penis.

"Penis pop! Nothing.. vagina juice!" shouted Harry

The penis began to creak and a staircase formed in front of them. They walked up the stairs and into the room to find Dumbledore raping his phoenix up the ass. Harry and Ashleigh just stood there and watched in amazement. The phoenix began to catch fire and then burst into flames and turned into dust. Dumbledore stopped and looked at the pile disappointed.

"Sir, I need one of your – hairs, from.. well you know"

"Say no more, Harry my boy! Take your pick" said Dumbledore.

He lifted up his dark blue robes to reveal a rainbow.  
"There's so many different colours, but which one?" said Harry

"Take that big long aqua one Harry!" shouted Ashleigh in excitement.

Harry reached for the aqua big one and gave it a big tug. It came lose and Harry looked quite pleased with himself. They thanked Dumbledore for the use of his genital hair and left for the third floor with all their ingredients. They followed the book and began to make the potion in the abandoned girls bathroom, where moaning Myrtle was. All Harry and Ashleigh could hear was moaning Myrtle moaning and moaning.

"Can you shut the fuck up, you moaning fat ugly bitch?" said Ashleigh

"Ok, lets start on the potion because I'll be gay soon and probably fuck dobby or something" said Harry who began dropping the ingredients one at a time into a small cauldron.

"Breast milk, pubes, Mucus, egg whites and salt and pepper to taste." Said Harry

Poof, Poof, BANG A big explosion made Harry and Ashleigh airborne and hit the wall.

"Ahh, my ass… what the hell happened.. you fucked up the potion you retard!" Screamed Ashleigh.

"Fuck off, you stupid bitch! It's not fucked up it was supposed to happen." Said Harry

Harry approached the small cauldron. He peered inside.

"Fuck off little cunt! I wont be ready until February the 24th. Come back then" screamed a little voice from inside the cauldron. Harry looked offended.

"I'm getting hungry" said Ashleigh

"You would be you fat bitch" mumbled Harry to himself.

They went down to the great hall to where half the school was. No one was moving. Not at all. There was plenty of food sitting on silver platters surrounded by crystal glasses and shining plates. Harry and Ashleigh sat down at the Gryffindor table and began to heap mass amounts of various foods on their plates. There was silence throughout the whole room.

"Something's not right here, said Harry

"Yeah, your right. Where the fuck is the mashed potato" said Ashleigh

"I knew everyone's gay but why are they frozen…what? No.. not that..what the fuck? Where's the bloody potato?" screamed Harry

"Maybe someone ate it all?" Ashleigh suggested.

"Well, there's only you and me in here..unless someone isn't frozen" said Harry.

"We need to find out why everyone's decided to become stiffies. Haha, hey Harry do you get it? Stiffies?" said Ashleigh

"Yeah, I get it.. also who's moving" said Harry.

"Well I can't eat now, I need potatoes.. I've got something I can eat in my belly button anyway" said Ashleigh sticking her finger in her ear.

They left the hall and began to walk to the corridor.

"Hehe, look Harry I can put people's fingers up fingers up their own asses!" shouted Ashleigh playing with Neville's fingers.

"Stop fucking around and get your ass here. We need to go to the library to see what's the what." Said Harry

"Your such a pussy Harry, who says, "what's what".. I think you've already turned gay" said Ashleigh in a smartass voice.

"Fuck you. I wasn't the one who was being chased by bitches" shouted Harry

"No, but you were going to be raped by Snape!" yelled Ashleigh

"Oh hang on.. What about Dobby and the other House elves in the kitchen?" said Harry

"Fuck them, I don't want to be gay and frozen" screamed Ashleigh

"That's what I had in mind" said Harry

They walked into the library and straight to the restricted teacher's section.

"Why are we looking at naked pictures of the teachers?" asked Harry

"Oh, were you following me? This is a private collection Harry, go look at something else" said Ashleigh holding up a picture of Professor Snape.

Harry found the section he was looking for, and soon, not long after found a book that may help.

The library had frozen students also, and there were no available seats, so Ashleigh kicked Crab and Goyle off the seats they were on and sat down.

"It says that we need to suck on everyone and pour chocolate and whipped cream all over them…wait, Ashleigh this is just your to-do list!" said Harry

"We need to expose the people to some gas." Said Ashleigh

"Gas, what kind of gas?" said Harry

"Fart. We need to go and fart on everyone…but that's impossible.. my ass would be in so much pain after all those farts and ass rapes.." said Ashleigh

"Wait! We could use the schools vent system!" bellowed Harry

"And how are we going to find the main vent?"

"Maybe Snape has the plans in his office or something?" replied Harry

They walked slowly to Snapes office and turned the heavy door latch. Inside they saw Snape tied to his chair, his robes were torn and he looked battered. They ripped the tape of his mouth.

"Ahh that fucking hurt! They're here, they're here" he screamed like a girl

"Who's here?" said Harry

"They all raped me, all of them!" he cried

"Who?" Harry insisted

"Wankermort's ass eaters!"

"Are they gay too, or what?" said Ashleigh who was sucking her index finger.

"No, the ass eaters have spread the gay potion everywhere turning everyone gay! Girls are fucking girls; boys are fucking boys, horses fucking ponies and birds fucking mice. It's really crazy" said Snape taking his robes off.

"That's just really wrong Snape, you're dead ugly and have pubes on your chest! Put your robes back on please" said Harry

Snape stuck his nose up at Harry and put his shirt back on.

"So Snape, what's happened to everyone? Why are they all frozen and we aren't?" asked Harry

"Well, the ass eaters struck about three hours ago, where were you three hours ago?" said Snape

"We were in the kitchens talking to Dobby the house elf" said Ashleigh

Snape was sniffing Harry's hair. Harry turned around and gave him a weird look.

"Ahh I see, the kitchens obviously weren't infected, as I was in there too before making my way to my office. I saw Dobby in my office after the ass eaters raped me, the little bastard didn't untie me!" said Snape.

"That's weird, what was Dobby doing in your office?" asked Harry

"He likes my quill. He really likes my quill." Said snape.

"Look, lets get back to the common room to figure this out" suggested Ashleigh

Harry led Snape and Ashleigh to the common room and went inside. They slumped down in the chairs in front of the fire. Harry turned to Ashleigh and to his horror, he found her frozen. Then at that second he heard footsteps coming from the boys dorm. Harry immediately drew out his wand and pointed it at the stairs. Someone with a big puff of red hair and shabby looking clothes appeared. It was Ron.

"What the fuck is going on?" cried Ron

"Everyone's turning gay and getting frozen" replied Harry

"Why aren't you frozen then?" asked Ron

"I don't know, I guess I was just lucky.. why aren't you?" said Harry

"Uh.. well I kinda left school for a little while and I guess I missed it" said Ron

"Ah! We will discuss your punishment later" said Snape licking his lips at Ron.

"We need to unfreeze everyone, so we need to get to the main air vent. Do you know where that is Snape?" asked Harry

"Of course I do, I go there during my lunchbreak to get blown away." Said Snape

"Ok. Good. I hope your all feeling really gassy today, we need to fart into those vents. We'll just leave Ashleigh here" said Harry.

Snape walked Harry and Ron to the far end of Sprogwarts, where it became quite cold and damp. Snape opened the door, pulled out his wand and said "Lumous maxima". A bright vibrant light shone from Snapes wand lighting a pathway. They walked for about five minutes and it kept getting colder by the second until they reached the main system. Harry saw a figure standing in front of the vent, but couldn't make out who it was. He approached the figure carefully. It was Ashleigh, or so Harry thought.

"Ashleigh!" shouted Harry running towards her

The figure turned around. It was not Ashleigh. Her hair was black, her eyes were black and she was dressed in black. They all stared in amazement

"How the fuck did she beat us here?" asked Ron

Snape shrugged.

"Who are you?" asked Harry

"My name is homer-sexual" she said in a deep voice.

"This is not the answer you seek, you have accused wrongly" said homer-sexual

"What do you mean?" said Snape

"Within your stomach's you must look, to find the answers that you seek" said homer-sexual

They all looked at each other then at then at their stomachs.

"What the fuck are you on?" screamed Ron

Homer-sexual looked at Ron, opened her mouth and shouted

"The fucking kitchens, go to the fucking kitchens!"

"Oh, makes sense, so you're saying that this isn't the way to unfreeze everyone?" said Harry

"If you expel your gases into those vents, you will kill everyone of us. Ron ate something really nasty and has some killer farts, so Ron isn't allowed to help you do this Harry" said Homer-sexual.

"Hey, it wasn't that bad, I did a few in the restaurant before I left, but I couldn't leave because the ambulance was blocking my broom.." said Ron

"Well, wasn't farting in the vents still going to unfreeze them? Why are we going to the kitchens?" asked Harry

"It wasn't the ass eaters who did this, it was something else, something more disgusting and filthy" explained Homer-sexual.

"I see.. well then lets go" said Harry

They climbed behind the painting where the kitchen was to find all the house elves tied up. Harry suddenly spotted Dobby

"Dobby!" Harry shouted.

"Harry Poofter, Sir!" said Dobby

"Do you know who froze everyone?" asked Harry

Dobby looked guilty.

"Dobby is sorry sir, Dobby is very greedy and wanted Harry Poofter all for himself"

"How did you do it Dobby?" asked Ron

"Dobby used the Snogwarts food, sir, it's very delicious"

"That's a really bad thing you did Dobby – " Harry began

"Headmaster will kick you out of Snogwarts" said Snape

"Dobby is deeply ashamed" and began hitting himself in the head with a pan.

Harry grabbed Dobby by the shirt and took a handful of mashed potato and shoved into Dobby's mouth.

"That should shut him up for a while, at least until we get the gay potion ready. I don't want to have unfrozen people running around being gay" said Harry

Meanwhile, the potion was still being made. It was still going to take a long while to finish. But they all had fun playing bowling using Nearly Headless Nick's head as the ball and fellow students as the pins. They flew on their broomsticks throughout Snogwarts and made chocolate cup cakes. Weeks past while the four waited and waited for the potion to complete itself.

February the 22nd, when Harry decided to go to sleep he had nightmares of Hedwig pecking at his pubic hairs. February 23rd Harry went to check on the potion when he woke up. He went to the 3rd floor abandoned girls bathroom to find Myrtle moaning as loud as possible.

"Shut the fuck up, you dead fucking bitch!" shouted Harry

Moaning Myrtle suddenly appeared.

"Excuse me, I cant help it, I died while I was moaning on that toilet, over there" She said pointing to the middle cubicle.

"Shut the fuck up" Screamed Harry. He bent down and checked on the potion.

"Almost ready you fucking little cunt" yelled the cauldron.

Harry, feeling quite happy with himself went back to the great hall where the others were.

"The potions almost ready, this time tomorrow we can use it on everyone" said Harry as he sat next to Ron.

"Ok.. good, hey do you think that Hagrid got frozen too? We never checked on him?" asked Ron

"Oh shit, no we didn't, we will go there later on, right now I need to piss" said Harry in a stern voice.

Harry couldn't be bothered going to the toilet, so he just pissed himself in the great hall.

"Oh fuck Harry, you got piss on my new robes" said Ron

"Sorry Ron, I didn't mean to"

"No problem" said Ron licking the piss.

The rest of the day was filled with seeing who could do the biggest piss puddle in one go. Ron was the winner. They forgot all about poor Hagrid. The next day Harry woke up at 6am, feeling all exited and a little turned on.

"Shit, I don't want to turn gay now" He said to himself.

Harry slowly crept out of his door and went straight for the bathroom. Moaning Myrtle was in one of the toilets moaning louder than ever. Harry peered into the cauldron, the little voice wasn't there.

"Where the fuck are you?" whispered Harry. Then he heard him, it was coming from Myrtles cubicle. Harry marched towards the toilet and swung the door open. To his amazement, he saw the little man and Myrtle going for it.

"Oh for fucks sake, get down here you horny little fuck, you can screw that moaning bitch later" shouted Harry

"Wait you fucking little cunt, I'm busy" screamed the little fugly man.

Harry grabbed him by his collar and threw him across the bathroom floor.

"Now get on your knees and satisfy me!" shouted Harry in rage

"No, wait I didn't say that, I'm not gay." Said Harry scared

"Give me the potion, I've waited like you said." Ordered Harry.

"Ok" said the little man unzipping his pants. "Damn" he cried and slapped his crotch.

"Get down" but it stayed erect like a statue.

"I said get the fuck down!" and he whacked it hard.

Harry took two steps away feeling scared.

"Ok well you need to chop off me' head and get the goobers out mate. That'll be your potion" explained the little man.

"What? I have to… to kill you?" said Harry

"Hey, don't worry mate, I'm not real anyway. Just be real careful though because the gunk will splurt everywhere"

"What's going on here?" asked Myrtle.

Harry and the little man looked towards moaning Myrtle who was standing there half naked and confused.

"Get back in your toilet!" shouted Harry

"No! I want my fugly little dwarf first" Myrtle replied

"You can have him when I'm finished" yelled Harry

And with that she floated back to her cubicle and began to moan. Harry turned to the little man.

"Here, take this axe" said the little man

"What axe?" asked Harry

"The one in your pants", "What do you mea…", "Just look in your fucking pants" he said annoyed.

Harry opened his pants and peered inside to find a small axe.

"What the.. how the hell did that get in there?" asked Harry

"No time to answer questions" said the little man.

Harry lifted the axe over his right shoulder ready to swing when homer-sexual walked in. Harry looked up.

"She's in there" he said casually pointing to Myrtles cubicle.

"I wasn't here to see Ms. Myrtle" she said blushing. Harry raised an eyebrow.

"Oh, okay, give me a few minutes." Said homer-sexual as she walked towards Myrtles toilet. Harry focused back onto the task. He raised the axe once more, and closed his eyes tightly not wanting to see the result. He swung down really hard.

"Ahh, holy fucking shit!" screamed a voice.

Harry opened his eyes and was shocked to find that he had chopped the little cunt's cunt off.

"Sorry mate" said Harry as he began to turn white.

"You fucking fuck that hurt! I said chop my head off not my bloody cock!"

Harry swung the axe once more. This time he kept his eyes open, and chopped off the little mans head. A foul stench seeped out of the head, it was sticking to Harry's nose and he felt like spewing. He pinched his fingers on his nose and looked into the head.

"Eww, nasty." Said Harry.

The little cunt had a brain and everything you would naturally find in a head, but one extra thing. It was a small bag labelled "Goobers". He took it and wiped it with his shirt, then placed it in his pocket. Harry walked over to Myrtles toilet and pushed the door open and grabbed Homer-sexual out of the cubicle. Together they went back to the common room where Ron and Professor Snape were.

"I got the goobers, lets go degay everyone" ordered Harry

He handed each person doses of the goobers. They all walked into the great hall and looked around.

"Ok, we'll give everyone this to make them not gay, then after we'll fart in the vents." Said Harry.

"Yes Poofterrrr" Snape whispered in a sweet seductive voice. He slowly walked up to Harry as if gliding, and out of the long split in his robes he produced his leg. It was hairless.

"I did it for you my little Poofter boy", smiled Snape

"I waxed my legs and now they're as soft and supple like your bottom, do you want to touch them? Come on, touch it, please, just touch it once and see how nice they are"

"Fuck off Snape, cant you not be gay for two seconds?" yelled Harry annoyed.

"I'm very sorry, Harry. So how are we going to administer this antidote if everyone's frozen?" asked Snape

" I don't know, homer-sexual, do you have any ideas?" asked Harry

Homer-sexual's eyes glowed blue as she concentrated.

"The passage of the anus, at the angle of 49 degrees" replied Homer-sexual.

Her eyes changed back to black.

"What the fuck is that supposed to mean? We have to put this stuff on our fingers and stick them up peoples ass?" said Ron

"Good idea" said Snape clapping his hands.

"Alright, just scoop a tiny bit out of what you've got and shove it up everyone's asses" said Harry

"Everyone's?" gasped Ron

"It has to be done Ron, now get to it" ordered Harry.

All four of them got to work and slowly the numbers of gay students decreased. Five hours later the whole school was degayed.

'Now all we need to do is unfreeze everyone and that's it!" said Ron exhausted. They followed Snape back to the main air vent. Harry turned on the power, and pulled down his pants. He bent over and let out a huge fart that shook the whole castle.

"Now, that should do it!" said Harry.

He pulled up his pants and headed back to where the teachers were.

Ron had a small amount of his goobers left, and noticed that Snape was sniffing Harry's hair again, so he took it and shoved it up Snapes ass.

"Oh I feel terribly ill, What happened?" said Snape

"Thankyou Harry and companions!" said Dumbledore

"Now all the students to their house dormitories until further notice, we'll take it on from here, Oh! And one point to brave Gryffindor!"

"Stingy fuckhead" whispered Ron under his breath. Everyone went to their dorms, except for Harry, Ron and Homer-sexual who decided to take matters into their own hands.

"We should tell Snape that he's wearing a dress, shouldn't we?" said Harry

"Nah" said Ron

"It's fucking funny" he giggled as they watched the students crack up laughing all around the halls.

"He'll kill us for this later" cautioned Harry

He walked up to Professor Snape.

"Erm..Snape" Harry began

"That's Professor Snape!" shouted Snape

"You might want to take off your dress" snickered Harry

Snape glanced down, and his face turned crimson red.

"You little devil!" screamed Snape,

"What have you done to me? And my legs! Oh my legs! I can actually see my skin!"

"It wasn't me" Harry retaliated

"You did that yourself when you were a faggot"

"Well I never, I never heard anything more absurd in my whole entire.. oh except when someone thought I was an alien" he mumbled

"Anyway, 10 points from Gryffindor for mocking me, I am not straight, no wait, I mean gay. I'm not gay" said Snape as he ran away embarrassed.

"What an asshole" said Homer-sexual.

"Yeah, oh well.. speaking of ass and holes, what about Hagrid? We forgot him!" said Harry

"So? He's gay anyway." Said Ron

The three of them snuck out of the castle and marched straight up towards Hagrids hit. Gangbang barked loudly. Harry began to knock onto the door

"Hagrid, are you in there, its us, let us in" said Harry

There was no answer. Homer-sexual decided to take some action. She pushed Harry out of the way and kicked the door in.

"What if something has happened to him? I don't think he's home" said Ron

"Oh my god Ron, you're so bright! When did you find that out!" said Homer-sexual sarcastically.

"About 10 seconds ago" explained Ron not realising Homer-sexual was mocking him.

"Something's wrong, I just know it," said Harry

They climbed over the broken door and into Hagrids hut. Gangbang jumped up on Harry and started to lick him all over

"Get off you gay fuck" shouted Harry

He pushed the dog aside and began to search the hut but Hagrid was nowhere to be found.

"Someone's taken him! We'll never see him again!" shouted Harry

He pulled down his pants and ran around the garden screaming

"Its me you want, come take me!"

"Harry" began Homer-sexual

"There's footprints that lead into the dark forest, pull your pants up and lets go"

Harry gazed down and quickly pulled up his pants. They trudged along through the forest. They were scared of its creatures, so they brought Gangbang along too, also hoping that he could find Hagrid.

After about fifteen minutes of walking they began to smell something unpleasant.

"That smells like a fart!" shouted Homer-sexual

Harry turned around

"Sorry guys, I'm still kinda full of gas" said Harry

"Damn, Harry that's a ripper, I never smelt anything like that – it's like some sort of bad stench that could wipe out mankind" shouted Ron

"I get it!" shouted Harry

"Look! There's something there!" bellowed Homer-sexual pointing to a big tree

They slowly crept up to the tree.

"Its an ass eater!" said Ron

"Why is it tied to a tree?" asked Homer-sexual

"and naked!" said Harry with a wide grin across his face

"Ahh, please don't hurt me!" said the Ass eater.

"What happened to you?

The frightened man kept on screaming. Ron slapped him

"Get a hold of yourself mate!" shouted Ron

"Tell me what's the matter" said Harry soothingly

"They tortured me because I didn't do what I was told to, I didn't follow the great Lord's orders" the man began.

"The ass eaters you mean?" said Harry

"Yes, after they finished destroying Sprogwarts, Wankermort was going to move on to greater accomplishments, he was going to be the best wizard in the world, Kings be on their knees to him, Queens would be rubbing chocolate on him..'

"Hey, I heard that Wankermort was a midget or something? Rumour has it that he's like four foot eleven" said Ron giggling.

At this time, all three of them turned towards Ron. Ron continued laughing for thirty seconds. Ron turned towards the others, still glaring at him.

"Oh my god, do I have something on my face?" he asked

"Ron have I ever mentioned that you're a fuckwit?" said Homer-sexual

"No, that was always Harry, you always call me a fucking retard." Ron explained.

"Shut up you stupid fuck".

Harry turned back towards the man.

"Where is Lord Wankermort hiding and how does he plan to conquer the world?"

"I don't know how he will conquer the world but… ouch that hurt you faggot"

"Ron what the fuck was that for?" Screamed Homer-sexual

"He's lying to us!" yelled Ron who was furious that the others were stupid enough to believe the man.

"Ron I have two things to say to you, one is shut up and let me do the talking, two is take your fingers out of my ass or I will break each and everyone of them!" said Harry

"But my hands are in my pockets" replied Ron

"Then who's.." Harry trailed off and turned to find Dobby's fingers up his ass.

"Ahh.. get the fuck off me you freak!"

"No sir, its not what you think, Dobby was just…wh… I just.." began Dobby

"You just what? Come on spit it out" roared Harry

Dobby looked close to tears.

"I was just trying to heat up some food that I made for you, the temperature in master's ass is perfect!"

Harry looked appalled.

"Dobby, exactly how do you cook the Sprogwarts food?" asked Ron

"Well sir.." said Dobby getting exited at the mention of food.

"Usually Dumbledore cooks it for us"

"What, you mean he sticks it up his ass or something? That's gross" said Homer-sexual

"Quite the contrary, Miss Sexual…, we've been doing this for generations" smiled Dobby

"Ok forget the food for now, Dobby how did you get here?" asked Harry

"I followed you sir, to help you, I am of very valuable use"

"And what use would that be?" snorted Ron

"Oh wait, let me guess, you can teach us how to keep our food nice and hot with our asses"

"That's enough Ron" said Harry

"I will help when the occasion calls for it" said Dobby

"Fine, you can come Dobby" said Harry

"Harry, where did you get that mashed potato from?" asked Ron

"From Dobby" he replied between mouthfuls of potato

"But it's been up someone's ass?" said Homer-sexual in disgust.

"Yeah, my ass so its ok if I eat it" said Harry

"That's fucking yuck!" shouted Homer-sexual.

"Yo, Harry, can I have some seconds?" asked Ron

"Sure, go ahead, but you will need to pick out any extra waste from there yourself"

"Nah I reckon it gives it an extra something" explained Ron

Homer-sexual almost threw up.

"Hey, can you's untie me now? I'm getting frostbite on my penis" said the man

"Dobby, make yourself useful and go untie that guy, we're kinda busy" said Harry

"Yes, of course master Poofter"

Dobby untied the man.

"Yes, that's nasty frostbite on your winky, but you know it's the right temperature for Popsicles" said Dobby

"Don't even think about it you sick little fuck" said the man pushing Dobby out of his way.

"Do you have something I can wear?" He said covering his winky.

"Well you can take my sock and put it on your dick to keep warm" offered Ron

"No Ron you idiot" said Homer-sexual

"Here, take my robe, it's a bit short but it will do the job" said Harry

"Thanks. I know where Wankermort is hiding." Said the man

"You do?" asked Harry

"In Diagon Alley"

"That's the stupidest place you would ever hide, what a dumb fuck" scoffed Ron

"No, its not sir, it's the perfect place, no wizard would look there" said Dobby

"Where they expect him to be and what they expect him to do, he'll always do the opposite and outsmart them" said Harry

"Brilliant. Just brilliant" said Ron

"Harry and the Lord are like one another, they both think alike that's why Harry would know what his next step would be" said Homer-sexual quietly.

"Well that's fucked up" said Ron

"We need to be better armed if we are going to go to Diagon Alley and kill Wankermort" said Harry

"Uhm, what's your name by the way?" asked Harry

Black smoke began to surround the mysterious man. He began to laugh loudly in a deep evil voice.

"Oh fuck this!" screamed Ron

He began to run away when he tripped on a lose log.

"I am Lord Wankermort.!" He bellowed

"Oh really? We kinda figured that" said Harry

"Why did you tie yourself to a tree? Was it to trick us?" asked Homer-sexual

"No! I accidentally left my dildo at my bitches' house and his husband found out. But now I have the opportunity to kill you all!"

Lord Wankermort drew out his wand and pointed it at Ron, who was squirming on the ground and shouted 'Dildomonus!". In a blink of an eye, Ron was riding a giant mechanical pink dildo.

"Ahh what the fuck?" screamed Ron

"That looks like fun sir!" shouted Dobby as he ran for the dildo. He jumped on with Ron and started screaming "Whee!"

"Now for you bitch!" pointing his wand at Homer-sexual

"You don't scare me!" she shouted

"What? I was next! She pushed in line!" screamed Harry

"Take a number and sit the fuck down Poofter! I'll get back to killing you soon!" shouted Wankermort.

Harry walked over to a red number box and pulled out a ticket.

"Number 1003" said Harry.

Then he peered up at a "Now Serving" sign hanging from a large oak tree and read "03"

"Oh for fuck's sake, this will take forever!"

Harry took his ticket and sat down angrily. His fingers were getting cold.

"I need to keep them warm" he pondered for a moment or two and then stuck his fingers up his ass.

"Dildomonus!" shouted Wankermort

Homer-sexual was enjoying herself immensely. The dildo was jolting her all around. It began to get faster and faster, and it was clinking as the screws came out.

"You're riding it too hard you bitch!" screamed Wankermort

"That's it!" he screamed.

He pulled out his wand and cast a spell "Laboinka!". Homer-sexual flew off the dildo and landed on the ground.

"You killed her you bastard!" screamed Harry.

He ran over to her, and she opened her eyes.

"Are you ok, homer-sexual?" asked Harry

"No, it's me, Ashleigh" she said

Harry brushed the hair from her face.

"Harry you fuck, what's that smell?

"My ass" he said lowering his head

"Your disgusting, get away from me!" said Ashleigh

"Why won't you fucking die you stupid bitch?" screamed Wankermort

"I think you should go root Professor Snape!" shouted Ron

"The little bitch won't return my calls!" shouted Wankermort,

"It was you who turned everyone gay!" said Harry

"I only wanted to make you gay, Harry.. That night when your parents died, I came to see you, Michael Jackson was with me..Your parents didn't let us touch you.. so we killed them"

"Your one weird mother fucker." Said Harry

Dobby and Ron were waiting in line to have another ride on the Dildo

"It's time to put an end to your child molestation Wankermort!" shouted Harry

Harry drew out his wand and jumped towards Wankermort

"Youstuppidassrappingbitchdiiee!" Harry shouted and a large bright light shone from his wand.

It struck Wankermort off his feet and into the air. He landed hard on his ass.

"Ahh, my ass, didn't think that my ass would hurt this much afterwards!" he shouted.

"I love you Harry, please, I love you!" Wankermort said

"I AM NOT GAY!" shouted Harry

"Fine, then you are euro trash and shall die!" said Wankermort

Harry shouted a spell that couldn't fail.

It was to make your acquaintance straight. It was the spell that he had found before in his book.

Wankermort was surrounded by bright blue clouds and began to shine bright yellow.

"No! I don't want to become straight! I'll get you for this Harry, mark my words" he shouted

He then fell to the ground with a thump. He called for his broom quickly and flew away.

The giant pink dildo disappeared in a puff of smoke, and they were left standing alone.

"Hey Arry, what you doing here?"

Harry turned around to see Hagrid standing there with logs of wood in his hands. He didn't hesitate to run up to Hagrid and give him a big long… long hug.

"Aw Arry, you kno' I ain't like that" said Hagrid

Hagrid took them all back to the castle gates where Professor Snape and Dumbledore greeted them.

Harry looked at Snape, and Snape immediately looked away. He looked down at Snapes legs and noticed that they were hairy again, but it looks like the hairs had been stuck on with mayonnaise.

"Where did he get that hair from?" Harry thought to himself

He then looked at Dumbledore.

"Follow me you three" he said.

Harry then noticed that Dumbledore was wearing ass-less chaps, and his ass was hair free.

"That's weird" said Harry to Ron

They walked into the great hall where the three of them were applauded and cheered for beating Wankermort and saving Sprogwarts. Some of them even ass raped Harry.

"You three will be awarded special awards for services to the school, and of course, five points to Gryffindor!" Dumbledore said

"You stingy mother fucker!" shouted Ron

"We just saved all your asses and you're only giving us five points? You suck assholes Dumbledore. You suck huge assholes!"

"Ronald, Ronald.. We will have time for sucking my asshole later, now lets celebrate with large amounts of ass rapes for everyone!"

Harry, Ron and Ashleigh had saved Sprogwarts from being turned gay. Even though, suspiciously, Sprogwarts seemed slightly gay to begin with...


End file.
